Those who can, do. Those who can’t give dumb sex advice on the Internet.
Whatever you do, don’t follow any of these dumb sex tips. Here’s the only sex advice you really need: if you’re in a sexual relationship with someone, don’t be a jerk. Tell them what you want, and listen to them when they return the favor. Then insert (A) into (B). See? It’s really quite simple. These 13 sex tips aren’t just dumb. They’re absurd, sadistic, and baffling, especially since many of them come from sources that claim to be authorities on human sexual relations, one of which comes from a popular website that is humanity’s greatest repository of collective ignorance.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Turn off the lights, take a flashlight, and guide the glow to areas of your body that you want him to lick or rub. Start with your neck, ears, nipples — go wherever you want him to explore. Even if it’s a nonsexual area like your back, he has to pay attention to that area until you stop shining the flashlight on it. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: Flashlights are great if you’re in a blanket fort, or lost in the woods at night, or directing airplanes on a runway. Not in the bedroom.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Take turns blowing [a balloon] up and slowly releasing the air, tracing a path over each other’s naked skin. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: Is this sex advice for birthday clowns?
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: When you two are down to your skivvies, help the other get completely naked by using just your mouth to pull off those undies. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: With your free hands, solve a Rubik’s cube.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Dip into your kids’ toy chest. You paid for all those board games — why not borrow them and play strip versions? WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: Seriously, you’re a grown up. You can afford to buy your own sex games and toys.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Put some hot sauce on his [sexual organ].. if u cant afford it — just go to taco bell — they have free packs by the napkins! WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: This advice from some barely literate Internet troll gets points for thrift. But if you have to slather genitals in hot sauce, you’re hungry.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Massage his back with a rolling pin. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: There are no bones in dough.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Caught up in their [role playing], lovers are given the perfect excuse to check out often taboo areas of the body or explore them as never before. How can he refuse the prostate “exam” from his hot-to-trot doctor? How can she not bend over to make sure that everything is A-OK down there? WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: A medical procedure where a doctor inserts a cold finger inside of a man in order to check for cancer is not hot, much the way there’s no such thing as a “sexy” mammogram.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Take a sip of hot water — as hot as you can stand — before [performing oral sex] on him. Then, keeping your mouth closed, swish it all around. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: They don’t make asbestos condoms.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: [Male ejaculate] contains zinc and calcium, both of which are proven to prevent tooth decay. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: This fact coyly suggests that oral sex is a substitute for brushing your teeth. Not true.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Direct a fan at her… then pour peppermint schnapps into her belly button. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: Ah, schnapps, the minty liqueur popular with underage drinkers and elderly men with bushy mustaches who wear Lederhosen.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: A threesome with a ring-shaped fried cake is not a fantasy that men have. Other threesome fantasies he will never have: female/male/bundt cake, female/male/everything bagel, female/male/cannoli.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Chill a bunch of marbles in the fridge. Toss them on the bed and make him lie on them while you straddle him. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: This sounds like something the character Jigsaw from the Saw movies might be into.
- DUMB SEX ADVICE: Make a Bedroom Burrito! While you’re rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms. Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. Now kiss every inch of exposed skin. WHY THIS SEX ADVICE IS DUMB: Another term for “bedroom burrito” is a “straight-jacket.”
- Those who can, do. Those who can’t give dumb sex advice on the Internet.
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